First Year Teacher Survives Ruthless Hazing From Students and Colleagues

ATLANTIC, IA- First-year teacher Nora Walker has survived a year of merciless hazing carried out by students and colleagues as she was appointed the 8th grade English Teacher for “the worst group of kids to ever come through the Atlantic school district,” according to every single staff member to ever have encountered these little bastards. Disguising the hazing with exclamations of “baptism by fire” and “a challenging but incredible first year where you will learn so much,” veteran teachers at Atlantic Middle School led Walker into a spirit-crushing, soul-sucking year of teaching that, if survived, was sure to cement her as an honored and accepted member of AMS staff. “It’s tradition,” one colleague, who asked to remain unnamed, quipped. “We have to be sure she can stand up to our staff’s expectations.”

The principal at AMS shared some insight into Walker’s first moments on the school grounds. “During the interview process, I almost couldn’t suppress my grin,” he said. Noting the “sad and pathetic glimmering in her eyes” and hearing all her hopes and dreams for her ideal classroom, he said, “I knew she would be the perfect candidate for the crushing humiliation and suffering the position would provide.” The principal sighed contentedly, a smile on his lips. “We all couldn’t wait to see her struggle.”

Students at the school, too, were in on the hazing process. Tasha, now a 9th grader, shared her insight. “We came in on the first day and she was like, smiling at us and talking about positivity and making us write affirmations and shit. We all knew then and there we were going to eat her alive.”

Sources say that Walker survived the hazing, but crawled from the deep pits of that hellish year very much changed. She can often be found smuggling large bottles of wine out of HyVee Liquor and glaring out her window at children in the street. However, in an exclusive interview with Walker, our sources discovered the hazing, in some ways, was a positive experience for the young woman. “A certain sense of survival is entangled deep inside me,” Walker said, her voice serious and thoughtful. “After surviving that fucking shit show, I feel like I can survive anything. Literally anything.” Shockingly, Walker remains at Atlantic Middle School, teaching 8th grade.

A note from Nora Walker, the author: For a long time now, I’ve been trying to find a way to write about my crazy first year of teaching. Anything too serious, sad, or reflective hasn’t quite felt right. Inspired by The Onion, I wrote this piece of satire that I think finally captures how I feel about that period of time: JESUS that sucked, but I’m glad I have the experience to look back on and laugh at!